Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”