Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*