I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.