@myonlymizztake Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
@myonlymizztake @myonlymizztake [Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
@myonlymizztake Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
@myonlymizztake One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
@myonlymizztake They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
@myonlymizztake Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
@myonlymizztake T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
@myonlymizztake Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
@myonlymizztake Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
@myonlymizztake *Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*