@myonlymizztake

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

@myonlymizztake

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

@myonlymizztake

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

@myonlymizztake

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

@myonlymizztake

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

@myonlymizztake

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

@myonlymizztake

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

@myonlymizztake

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

@myonlymizztake

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

@myonlymizztake

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*