a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
*puts hand in my mouth*
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“who brought the getaway car?”
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function