I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
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Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”