@samalmightysam

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

@samalmightysam

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

@samalmightysam

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

@samalmightysam

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

@samalmightysam

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

@samalmightysam

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

@samalmightysam

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

@samalmightysam

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.