@scootergonscoot

they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born

@scootergonscoot

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

@scootergonscoot

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

@scootergonscoot

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

@scootergonscoot

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

@scootergonscoot

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day