how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?