@thedad

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

@thedad

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

@thedad

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

@thedad

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

@thedad

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

@thedad

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

@thedad

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

@thedad

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

@thedad

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what