I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.