Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
5-All other beer
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids