@thedad I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
@thedad @thedad Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
@thedad Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
@thedad Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
@thedad Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
@thedad Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
@thedad Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
@thedad Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
@thedad Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
@thedad “Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.