@thedad

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

@thedad

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

@thedad

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

@thedad

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

@thedad

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

@thedad

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

@thedad

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

@thedad

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

@thedad

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.