If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me


Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE


Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* πŸ™‚

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE


Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor πŸ˜‰

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….


Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years


Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea


*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.


Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…


*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?