Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
thank god
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.