Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google