Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
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I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach