@DanMentos

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

@DanMentos

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

@DanMentos

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

@DanMentos

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

@DanMentos

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

@DanMentos

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

@DanMentos

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

@DanMentos

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

@DanMentos

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

@DanMentos

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see