who’s ready for the long weeknd?
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
me: that’s right
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy