If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.