Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.