@GloriaFallon123

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

@GloriaFallon123

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

@GloriaFallon123

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

@GloriaFallon123

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

@GloriaFallon123

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

@GloriaFallon123

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.