@GrantTanaka

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

@GrantTanaka

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

@GrantTanaka

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

@GrantTanaka

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

@GrantTanaka

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

@GrantTanaka

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

@GrantTanaka

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

@GrantTanaka

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

@GrantTanaka

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.