No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.