@HousewifeOfHell

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

@HousewifeOfHell

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

@HousewifeOfHell

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

@HousewifeOfHell

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

@HousewifeOfHell

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

@HousewifeOfHell

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

@HousewifeOfHell

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

@HousewifeOfHell

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.