@IDontSpeakWhine

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

@IDontSpeakWhine

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

@IDontSpeakWhine

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

@IDontSpeakWhine

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

@IDontSpeakWhine

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

@IDontSpeakWhine

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

@IDontSpeakWhine

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

@IDontSpeakWhine

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

@IDontSpeakWhine

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

@IDontSpeakWhine

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.