wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
who wants to go expliring
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed