Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.