Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.