@Manda_like_wine

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

@Manda_like_wine

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

@Manda_like_wine

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

@Manda_like_wine

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

@Manda_like_wine

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

@Manda_like_wine

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

@Manda_like_wine

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

@Manda_like_wine

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

@Manda_like_wine

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.