Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?