When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.