@MichaelTrying

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

@MichaelTrying

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

@MichaelTrying

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

@MichaelTrying

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

@MichaelTrying

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

@MichaelTrying

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

@MichaelTrying

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

@MichaelTrying

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

@MichaelTrying

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.