@MichaelTrying When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
@MichaelTrying @MichaelTrying What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
@MichaelTrying Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
@MichaelTrying “His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
@MichaelTrying Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
@MichaelTrying Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
@MichaelTrying In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
@MichaelTrying “Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
@MichaelTrying How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
@MichaelTrying It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.