bad
worse
worst
worchester
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man