You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
![]()
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.