
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.