@Parentpains

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

@Parentpains

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

@Parentpains

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

@Parentpains

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

@Parentpains

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

@Parentpains

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

@Parentpains

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

@Parentpains

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there