Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Everything reminds me of my ex
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Dog: Runs away*