@Parentpains

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

@Parentpains

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

@Parentpains

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

@Parentpains

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

@Parentpains

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

@Parentpains

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

@Parentpains

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

@Parentpains

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

@Parentpains

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling