[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
me: what’s ur favorite word?
her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?