@Prof_Hinkley

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

@Prof_Hinkley

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

@Prof_Hinkley

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

@Prof_Hinkley

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

@Prof_Hinkley

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

@Prof_Hinkley

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

@Prof_Hinkley

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

@Prof_Hinkley

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

@Prof_Hinkley

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

@Prof_Hinkley

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about