Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I鈥檒l take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can鈥檛 you just wear a toga?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
What you say: Don鈥檛 make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Child: I can鈥檛 wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
馃幎99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-馃幎Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I鈥檓 sure.
Me: You鈥檙e cranky.
Wife: I鈥檓 not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you鈥檙e in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I鈥檓 making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]