@Shade510

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

@Shade510

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

@Shade510

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

@Shade510

*trimming my nose hair in the mirror

You sexy beast.

@Shade510

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

@Shade510

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

@Shade510

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

@Shade510

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

@Shade510

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.