Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.