@SondraDeeMe

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

@SondraDeeMe

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

@SondraDeeMe

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

@SondraDeeMe

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

@SondraDeeMe

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

@SondraDeeMe

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

@SondraDeeMe

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

@SondraDeeMe

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

@SondraDeeMe

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

@SondraDeeMe

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.