@Stap_Jr

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

@Stap_Jr

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

@Stap_Jr

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

@Stap_Jr

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

@Stap_Jr

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

@Stap_Jr

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

@Stap_Jr

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

@Stap_Jr

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

@Stap_Jr

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

@Stap_Jr

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.