If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.