@SwissArmyWife00

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

@SwissArmyWife00

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

@SwissArmyWife00

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

@SwissArmyWife00

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

@SwissArmyWife00

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

@SwissArmyWife00

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

@SwissArmyWife00

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.