“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.