@ValeeGrrl

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

@ValeeGrrl

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

@ValeeGrrl

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

@ValeeGrrl

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

@ValeeGrrl

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

@ValeeGrrl

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

@ValeeGrrl

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

@ValeeGrrl

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

@ValeeGrrl

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

@ValeeGrrl

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop