@ValeeGrrl Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
@ValeeGrrl @ValeeGrrl “Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
@ValeeGrrl Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
@ValeeGrrl NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
@ValeeGrrl Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
@ValeeGrrl [my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
@ValeeGrrl My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
@ValeeGrrl Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
@ValeeGrrl I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
@ValeeGrrl Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop