When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
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I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I know a bad idea when I see one.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great