Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.