@Writepop

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

@Writepop

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

@Writepop

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

@Writepop

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

@Writepop

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

@Writepop

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

@Writepop

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

@Writepop

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

@Writepop

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

@Writepop

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.