Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*