
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function