@birbigs

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

@birbigs

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

@birbigs

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

@birbigs

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

@birbigs

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

@birbigs

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

@birbigs

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

@birbigs

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

@birbigs

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?