Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.