@broken_rhi

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

@broken_rhi

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

@broken_rhi

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

@broken_rhi

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

@broken_rhi

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

@broken_rhi

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

@broken_rhi

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

@broken_rhi

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

@broken_rhi

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.