
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I’m awake but I object,
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.