BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*
Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me