@iwearaonesie

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

@iwearaonesie

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

@iwearaonesie

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

@iwearaonesie

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

@iwearaonesie

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

@iwearaonesie

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

@iwearaonesie

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

@iwearaonesie

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries