@junejuly12

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

@junejuly12

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

@junejuly12

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

@junejuly12

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

@junejuly12

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

@junejuly12

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

@junejuly12

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

@junejuly12

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

@junejuly12

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

@junejuly12

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.