Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.