The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.