I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.