I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means